“I have a
Sister. Mother. Aunt. Wife. Cousin. Daughter. Girlfriend. Grandmother. Friend. Coach. Teacher. Neighbor.
and I’m very protective of her.”
How many times have you heard a man say this sentence? And isn’t the context of the conversation usually intimate partner violence, sexual assault, or violence against women in general?
Men say this to show solidarity, to say, “Listen, I care because it’s personal to me. There’s a woman in my life. I can’t stand the thought of her being hurt, and that’s why I take this seriously.”
But as much as this is driven by well-intentioned desires to be allies in addressing violence against women, making this seemingly innocuous statement undermines the best of intentions.
This sentence is problematic:
- It suggests that women need male protection, as though the answer to these crimes is for each woman to have a male provide physical defense against those who would harm her.
- It suggests that the speaker might not care about violence against women if not for this particular woman he cares about. By extension, it also suggests that he may not care about other women that he does not “have” in his life.
- It undermines women’s empowerment efforts by subtly promoting paternalistic attitudes that posit women as vulnerable properties under the care of male guardians.
So what positive steps can men take to become genuine allies? Check out Men Can Stop Rape. They have resources that help men show their strength and become allies. April, Sexual Assault Awareness Month, is as good a time as any.
I have a (woman) in my life. I love her. I support her. I support all women and their right to live free from violence. I am learning more about what I can do to help.
arkansastruthseeker
April 25, 2012
Reblogged this on arkansastruthseeker.
Imelda Evans
April 25, 2012
Reblogged this on Wine, Women & Wordplay and commented:
) a very good point about sexual assault and what men can do about it.
From one of my new favourite blogs (I have crime-y elements in my writing, I’m not weird! Or no more than you…
Louise Behiel
April 25, 2012
love this post. it’s so very true.
anotherboomerblog
April 26, 2012
Men can best stop rape by ceasing in the objectification and dehumanization of women. So when one guy calls a woman a “C” the other guys around him can tell him that’s not okay. When one guy starts talking about a woman like a piece of meat, the others need to intervene and tell him that’s not acceptable. We have a society that objectifies people, particularly woman and adolescent girls, as if they are sex on a stick and we accept the concept that “all men are dogs” (which I do not) just sniffing around to get whatever they can.
There is also the issue of entitlement that many men have that they are entitled to have a beautiful, sexy, perfect woman in their lives. Who and what the woman wants is not relevant.
And the bottom line is that rape is about power and/or anger. http://www.paralumun.com/issuesprofile.htm has as good a profile of the various types of rapists as I’ve seen.
Megan Ellis
April 26, 2012
While you have valid points, another point I would add is that the initial phrase suggests that only women are subjected to rape. While women are the majority of victims of sexual assault, there are men and male children who have experienced sexual assault.
This was highlighted in a recent news article on a mentally-handicapped boy’s rape at the hands of two women.
No person should be exposed to such cruelty and disregard. Rape in all forms is inexcusable and should be fought against by governments and people.
consciousquared
May 1, 2012
I love this.
deliriousbibliophiliac
May 2, 2012
This is great. However, I don’t think that paternalistic attitudes and notions of male protection always have to be in play. I have a little sister, and I am very protective of her. If I were her older brother, many could interpret that as patriarchy within the family unit, women not being able to protect themselves, etc. etc. But I’m a woman. So that just seems like a protective sister.
We are all protective of those we love, and it’s unfortunate these men can be accused of perpetuating harmful social ills when trying to do something about their feelings.
However, considering that, I love the recent ‘How to Stop Rape’ posters I’ve seen at my campus. They go like this:
1) Don’t rape.
2) If you enter an elevator where a woman is alone, don’t rape her.
3) If you see a woman dressed appealingly, refrain from raping her.
And on.
Makes you think.
Thanks for this post.
Melanie
May 14, 2012
Reblogged this on Deliberate Donkey and commented:
CrimeCents is correct, this sentance is problematic for the reasons listed (not to mention the sentance ending with a preposition). If I may, I’d like to expand on that from the perspective of a woman, a woman who married a man who believed it was his duty to protect her from Them, but not from him.
To establish that “I have” is to first establish ownership. I have a house. I have a car. I have milk in my refridgerator. I have two kids (the difference being children have innate need for protection and guidance from an authority, whereas a woman can provide her own protection and choose when to seek guidence).
Have you ever experienced a woman fighting for her life, her dignity, her body? If you have, you have either witnessed or perpetrated an act of power-violence, and you know meek and weak instantly turns to strong and powerful.