Brochures and educational materials for victims line the wall of a courthouse advocacy center office. Image: CrimeCents
“90% of the abuse situations happen with the victim’s tacit permission.”
That’s a direct quote. I’m going to summarize the rest of the conversation, which I overheard, by saying that this was an advocate who justified her comment by explaining that she had grown up in an abusive household and that she had been a volunteer advocate for over a decade.
The punchline to this story? She had been on dates with men who showed “the signs” and “walked away every time.” And so should every other woman, who, surely, must be capable of seeing “the signs” so clearly.
It’s victim-blaming pure and simple.
The fact that it goes on within the victim advocacy community is something we need to talk about.
We don’t talk about it because it’s uncomfortable. Victim advocates, whether volunteer or professional, are often drawn to the work because of their own experiences as direct or secondary victims. They are working out their own trauma, they are coming to terms with the choices their mothers and fathers made, with the choices they made themselves.
Surviving domestic violence is a lifelong process, and advocates bring this process with them to the work that they do. But because advocates are the real heroes of the criminal justice victim system, it’s difficult to call them out when they are part of the problem. When they participate in the victim-blaming themselves.
We have to do a better job of confronting the problem of victim-blaming in the advocacy community, because the advocate is supposed to be the one person who can be counted on to get it. To understand. To not say stupid shit like, “why don’t you just leave?” or “why do you let him do this to you?” or “if you really loved your kids you’d get a divorce.”
Or ”90% of the abuse situations happen with the victim’s tacit permission.”
The domestic violence victim whose advocate has failed her is the victim who truly has no ally in the criminal justice system. Sure there are cops who get it, really and truly. There are prosecutors who are compassionate, but they just don’t have the time to meet victim needs. There are judges who don’t buy in to the abusers’ charm and manipulation. But all of these people are few and far between.
On the whole the criminal justice system revolves around the offender, not the victim. Victim advocacy is under-funded and overwhelmed; it is the last safety net to catch those who have been harmed by the people they love.
Let’s mend the net.
Related articles:
- When Prosecutors Threaten and Intimidate Victims (crimedime.com)
- What is the Truth About Abuse? (crimedime.com)
- Neutrality is Not an Option in Violence Against Women Claims (crimedime.com)
- Restaurant Misses the Point with Rihanna and Chris Black and Bleu Burger Debacle (crimedime.com)
- I Have a (Woman) I’m Very Protective Of: What Can Men do to Stop Rape? (crimedime.com)
Susan Murphy Milano
May 25, 2012
I love how you write about the issues. If possible can you contact me at murphymilano@gmail,com as I would like to possibly do a radio show with you. Thank you Susan Murphy-Milano http://www.documenttheabuse.com
CrimeDime
May 26, 2012
We emailed you – and thanks so much for your interest!
CrimeCents
May 26, 2012
Thanks so much, Susan. For anyone who isn’t familiar with Susan’s work, I strongly recommend you visit her website listed above.
Noee
February 18, 2013
After years of dealing with my aesiggsrve mother, I’ve recently been researching BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Below I’m listing a few of her typical behaviour patterns and I would be appreciative of your feedback if you’ve experienced someone with BPD. Thank you.1. Threats of suicide (during arguments when I was a child she would threaten to throw her self under a train at local station)2. Constant fear of abandonment (for instance, when I grew up, if I turned up at her house 10 minutes late she would be very upset and hysterically crying, because she thought I wasn’t going to turn up. Even though there had never been a history of me not turning up)3. Extreme levels of violence and anger ( She would be in a fine mood and then suddenly she would get angry about a minor thing, like someone forgetting to completely close a door, and then she would kick off and shout really disgusting things and bite, pull hair, punch, spit, kick etc. And this would go on for hours and sometimes days)5. She would get very paranoid about people’s motives, and often come up with bizarre motives for normal behaviour, and then aesiggsrvely confront them about their actions.6. She would form intense friendships with people and her life would completely revolve around them, she would practically worship them. And then, if they didn’t live up to her idealisation of them she would turn on them, and she would spiral into a deep hatred of them and become very depressed (for example, if she got a new boyfriend she would dedicate her life to him, every waking moment was spent talking about him or getting ready to see him, she would even record telephone conversations so that she could listen to them talking while she was cleaning/ cooking etc. And then, if he had to cancel a dinner date or something she would suddenly turn on him and have an all consuming hatred of him, which would manifest itself in hateful letters, stalking, endless abusive phonecalls, getting her children to go tell him how horrible she thought he was etc)7. She would become obbsesed by hobbies’. For several years she became obbsesed by the lottery and thought that there was a conspircy and that she had worked out a system that she was soon going to crack, she would study her files all day and all night, sometimes not sleeping or pausing to eat. Or another hobby’ was stealing, she would steal anything from potatoes to fine jewelery from Harrod’s)8. She has a dependecy on alcohol and drinks about a litre of wine every day and has done over the last 30 years.9. She acts on impulse, thinking little of consequenses. (For instance when I was seven she got angry about me not getting the role I wanted in a school play, so on impulse she took me out of school the same day and decided to home educate me. Or another time we were living on high mountains in Spain, she had a fight with her friend, and on impulse decided to leave even though her friend’s house was the only house around for 20 miles, so we actually walked down the mountain with no food and water, which took us five days.)10.She came from an extremely abusive background ( her father was extremely abusive, and her mother died at an early age.
Tending Weeds
May 25, 2012
I once remarked that DV stands not only for domestic violence, but also double victim.
CrimeCents
May 26, 2012
Do you mean a double victim because the system revictimizes? Yes, I think that too.
Tending Weeds
May 26, 2012
Yes, the system. I should have kept going, and been more clear.
Louise Behiel
May 25, 2012
great post and a hard one to write. Volunteers are not saints. and they make mistakes. so we need to be clear about the purpose of their work, have measurable critieria to judge their effectiveness against and then take action. By the way, it’s my opinion that many therapists, psychologists, social workers etc go into this work to heal their own issues as well. And it’s a double loss for their clients.
CrimeCents
May 26, 2012
Thanks, Louise. Yes, it’s a very difficult topic, and one that just isn’t dealt with enough.
anotherboomerblog
May 25, 2012
DV is incredibly complex. It is a dance between the abuser and the enabler. Unless someone is a child and helpless there is always an interplay. That being said, unless someone understands they dynamic it is difficult to get out of once you’re in it. Sometimes the “victim” triggers abuse early in the cycle to get slapped or kicked once or twice instead of beaten seriously. Is that tacit agreement? Depends on how you look at it. I work with clients from a DV center and the dynamics are incredible – they’re very needy, rarely understand their part in keeping the “dance” going and are often resistant to changing their behavior. It is a long term process. One gal is healing rapidly, another one is barely moving. One recently went back.
CrimeCents
May 26, 2012
I agree that domestic violence dynamics are incredibly complex, but it is just this kind of thing that I’m talking about. I don’t think that a victim who intentionally provokes an abuser to get the next abuse episode out of the way is in any way providing tacit agreement. Do kidnap victims who develop Stockholm Syndrome and aid their kidnappers provide tacit agreement? No. It looks like consent, but it’s not. Just like getting a woman drunk and getting her to speak the word ‘yes’ before sex isn’t consent, it’s rape. It’s a way of labeling the situation which only further empowers the abuser to keep on abusing. This isn’t a dance between the abuser and an “enabler” – it’s a criminal course of conduct in which not only does the abuser manipulate the victim into “taking responsibility,” but coopting third parties, including some advocates, into making everyone think that it’s at least partially her fault. Responsibility for DV begins, and ends, with the perpetrator. Until we operate in a world in which any victim in a violent intimate relationship has access to unlimited economic resources, mental health care services, medical care, housing, a court system that understands the gendered dynamics of DV, and a family court system that won’t punish protective mothers by giving custody to abusers, I’m completely unwilling to say that victims are playing a part in keeping the dance going. They aren’t dancing. They are surviving, they are doing the best they can to survive a situation for which there is tacit *social* approval. We tell battered women to leave, but we don’t actually support them when they do.
anotherboomerblog
May 26, 2012
I am not a prosecutor, so I don’t deal with the abusers (unless it is to “nicely” tell them to FOAD). I work with the abused spouse be they male or female (more often female, but not always) – and yes it is sort of like the Stockholm Syndrome and most of them have been groomed by their families of origin (FOO) to take this shit. There is no “fault” that is assigned (at least on my part), but I do educate (in concert with the crisis/abuse counselor) and provide supportive services that enable them to get positive feedback on their successes and reinforcement when they start to fall back into patterns that will get them hurt again. It is a mental dance, a deadly dance. In therapy we talk about the co-dependency dance, and most spousal units are co-dependent in a very dangerous and dangerous way. But I see things from two angles since I used to be a social worker and am now an attorney. Until we address the mindset that traps them they will be lured into yet another dance with another person – sometimes an even deadlier one. I no more blame the battered spouse than I do the battered child. I do, however, recognize that there is more going on than just an out-of-control abuser asserting power and control, because that abuser could not do it to everyone. And we need to remember that gays and lesbians are just as likely as anyone else to be in an abusive situation and we need to have services for them as well. I’ve been singing that song for at least 30 years.
the secret keeper
May 26, 2012
if these advocates thought in terms of the domestic violence victim being a child would they say the same thing. blaming the victim for being beaten is insanity. people who are in the system to protect victims should learn more understanding and compassion and know that it isn’t easy to stop someone more powerful than you are. victims are murdered who leave or try to leave. arresting the offenders and throwing away the keys forever would help th problem with a great solution. why ar violent offenders allowed to remain in the community?
CrimeCents
May 26, 2012
Exactly. If these violent offenders perpetrated the same crimes against strangers, they’d spend a lot more time behind bars.
the secret keeper
May 26, 2012
the laws need changing regarding violence toward women (in lesbian or straight relationships). it seems the republicans feel that the gay community need to be on their own to protect themselves. there should be more severe sentencing when there is severe domestic violence. someone that wants to totally possess their partner and uses threats and violence to keep them as slaves to their orders need to be incarcerated. they are not going to change their behavior b/c they are arrested and released or their partner is too afraid to press charges. overall violence toward women needs more attention all around.
anotherboomerblog
May 26, 2012
Actually, if there is not severe injury during a battering incident, it is unlikely the police will intervene. And it is quite likely both parties will counter-file and be ordered to stay away from each other. You’d need witnesses or to have the gendarmes present. I’ve seen this happen and no one went to jail. In fact, when it is between two men, someone pretty much has to end up in the ER and there is still no assurance of charges – and those are stranger or neighbor assaults. The problem is in proving who was at fault…
Kaye
May 27, 2012
Your site is wonderful and very informative. Victim blaming is very real and few will acknowledge and those that do are ignored. The laws need to be amended and people, especially those who are supposed to help the victims, need to be educated.
Thank you for liking my post “Assault Is Okay Now?” on my site.
CrimeCents
May 29, 2012
Thanks for stopping by, Kaye. It takes many voices to make a difference, glad yours is one of them.
A night in with Nelly
May 28, 2012
This is such a great site, thankyou for this extremely intelligent article. My advocacy organisation is just about to put in a tender for a domestic abuse project and these are the very points we are already making to our commissioners. Thanks for liking my article by the way!
CrimeCents
May 29, 2012
Excellent! I hope you get funding for your advocacy organization. It’s not like the need is going away.
almostclever
May 31, 2012
As someone who just spent the last 2 years of my life doing trauma counseling for survivors of intimate partner violence and sexual assault/abuse, I just wanted to say thank you for this post. It feels good running into kindred spirits who “get it.” As someone who also just graduated with a masters degree in social work, I whole heartedly agree about some of us attempting to heal our own pain while healing others. This is dangerous, especially when it is not coupled with self awareness.. The thing is, when it is coupled with self awareness it is profoundly powerful, and some of our best people in the field are those who have lived it and are now giving their lives to keep another from having to live it. I absolutely agree that we need to be talking about this dynamic much, much more. I would go so far as to say a majority of people in social work got there because of their own experiences in life that were dysfunctional/abusive. The role of graduate schools for social workers is mainly in developing that self-awareness, getting students into their own therapy to look at themselves, and preparing them for the very real and difficult emotional work that comes with us into the field. It is an amazing, powerful experience for many social workers and I love my field all the more for it.
I definitely think those of us in this line of work need to be proactively participating in our own support groups and therapy, because the minute we think we are “healed” or “ok” is when we are truly in trouble – especially when we are surrounded by so much trauma and emotional pain day in and day out. Whether one has a background of abuse or not does not matter, all of us in this field need to partake in active self-care lest we burn out and do an extreme disservice to our clients and communities. A burnt out social worker is one of the most invalidating, damaging sights I have ever come across.
I could go on and on, but I will resist. LOL.. Great blog!!
Thanks!
CrimeCents
June 1, 2012
Thanks for your very thoughtful comments, almostclever. I think what you said about the need to do active self-care in this field because of the constant trauma is important. This may be a part of understanding some victim-blaming attitudes from advocates: they victim-blame for some of the same reasons that the general public does it too. Victim-blaming is a way to deal with your own fears, a way to distance yourself from the hurt of the world and convince yourself that abuse is something that happens to OTHER people who aren’t as smart (and therefore safe) as you are.
A night in with Nelly
June 14, 2012
I agree with everything you say. I was in court recently with a mum who said that her children`s social worker had recently confided to her that she was in an abusive relationship herself. It sent the mum reeling, so many questions especially why this person could be in a position to judge the merits of her (my client`s) parenting skills, when the social worker was clearly in trouble herself. There is so much work for us all to do. Keep on truckin!
almostclever
June 1, 2012
EXACTLY!!
jennylmackinnon
June 3, 2012
Terrific blog. To the person who says she does not blame the victim, I’m sorry, but she very clearly does.
And there is absolutely no room for misunderstanding victim blame in domestic violence cases.
There is lots of room for only ‘getting’ a concept in academia and social sciences in many fields, but not in working with domestic violence. DV causes more deaths than the slip of the surgeon’s knife, but we don’t treat its problems and solutions with the same precision we treat surgery; we are careless and we back away from its pain and complexity, and because of what it says about us and our inevitable prejudices.
CrimeDime
June 3, 2012
Thanks, jennylmackinnon. We also think this piece of yours is fantastic:
http://somuchpalaver.wordpress.com/2012/06/03/there-is-no-class-of-woman-who-is-naive-vulnerable-and-easy-to-manipulate-3/
jennylmackinnon
June 3, 2012
Just one more thing, anotherboomerb: the main reason you think that there is some kind of problem with the victim and not just some out-of-control abuser is that it only happens with that person. That’s not actually true. It happens with that one person at that time, but people who work with perpetrators generally find the man has done it before if he has been in previous relationships, and will continue to do it after in subsequent relationships, because DV is based on entitled attitudes, not personality matches or mismatches.
It is extremely difficult for researchers to formally track abusers over time because of privacy controls and also because the victims have to keep quiet or move around for safety’s sake.
However, (this is really, really important) it is normal for an abuser to move from woman to woman, refining things with time, perhaps moving on from physical violence to other forms of coercive control. This is one of the main problems with the legal system’s view of violence against woman, because they are used to seeing a trail of prior convictions or charges laid which might occur with a career criminal, but which is invisible when we talk about domestic abusers.
I have a friend who discovered AFTER getting out of an abusive relationship that he had done the same thing to three or four other women, over time. The FOO doesn’t tell the new girlfriend each time because they think he just might get it right this time, the friends don’t tell the new girlfriend because they never got close enough to the last one to find out what was really going on. That’s four women, plus, say, eight children, all with traumatised lives, injuries and poverty, caused by the one perpetrator.
So from a purely pragmatic point of view, it’s exhausting for the system to place responsibility for change on the victim: to be blunt you want to work to change twelve people or one?
almostclever
June 5, 2012
A lot of abusers have personality disorders, such as Narcissism. Narcissists make a lifestyle out of abusing women. As time goes by men learn ‘sophisticated abuse,’ ie, they got in trouble for hitting a woman, so they learn emotional, financial, and mental forms of abuse that are harder to detect or “call the cops” about. In fact, this is the number one reason that research shows abuser programs don’t work. It only allows abusers to meet other abusers and learn how to become more manipulative and coercive on a higher level.
I think abuser programs are utter bullshit and need to be reformed.
claudiagrant
June 11, 2012
Why is it always women blamed for their victim hood? Domestic violence, sexual assault, poverty. We have a long way to go.
CrimeDime
June 11, 2012
Yes, we do. So much work to be done, claudiagrant. But discussing it publicly does help.